I’ve received a letter from the cowards at La Croix Water asking me to stop claiming to be their celebrity spokesman. Apparently La Croix is concerned they might lose valuable business from Michelle Malkin-reading, Benghazi-obsessed right wing psychos. You know, that’s fine. But they should know that I’m never drinking LaCroix again. They’ve lost the support of the original and number one #LACROIXBOY: me!
I urge Perrier and/or Polar Seltzer and/or San Pellegrino to hit me up immediately. I’d be happy to endorse their product, provided they have a sense of humor and aren’t total fucking pussies.
This upsets me for a couple of reasons. First: I really love La Croix drinks. There’s just a HINT of flavor, be it grapefruit or coconut or whatever to their sparkling water drinks; I mean we are talking about a classy, understated beverage. Joe’s enthusiasm for these drinks was warranted.
The other thing is that Joe Mande is funny and he “punches up” at shitty, mean, soulless targets like Darrell Issa, a man who STRAIGHT UP jerks his disgusting criminal dong to the corpses of the Americans who died in Benghazi, or corporations who steamroll over human souls, steal from your grandmother, etc. Joe Mande is funny and outspoken and a good guy doing good things. Also, fucking IMAGINE the people who complained to La Croix about him. Seriously, take some time to imagine them. Are you crying because you just found out hell is on earth? Holy Christ, I can’t think of anything sadder. What an embarrassing company you are, La Croix. Also, you’re based in PLANTATION, FLORIDA, according to this letterhead, aka SLAVEGRAVE, CRIMINALHEAVEN. Fuck you, La Croix, you very tasty drink, sold by shitbags to finance Ted Cruz (I’m guessing.)